I’m not sure if the “spent” instead of “spend” in the above is a typo or not, but when I read this when it came across my Facebook feed this morning, I changed it to “spend” without realizing I had, because, obviously, current status.
I spend an outrageous, ridiculous, and probably unnecessary amount of time worrying about this very thing. It’s exhausting.
It’s also something I didn’t entirely recognize until recently. In fact it may have been smack in the middle of a recent conversation, in text or in person, that I realized this is a thing I do, and that I need to maybe change. It makes sense though, as concomitant to that thought is, “Am I enough?” and fuck all if that isn’t a constant fucking refrain in my tired brain.
Am I doing it right? Am I good enough?
Am I a good enough…
Am I doing it right?? Am I doing any of it right??
In case it is not obvious, I am having a rough day emotionally.
I am also not sure why. Just “boom!” smacked over the head with the “everything is wrong with me” stick.
I showed up for yoga this a.m., getting out of bed before 7 and even being playful in my practice, showing myself grace and kindness.
And I have a real puppy office-mate who should be cheering me up.
And I caught sight of my ass looking luscious in the mirror, which ain’t a bad thing.
I have some thoughts about how this headspace relates to desiring a D/s dynamic, and even more specifically, a task-oriented D/s dynamic. D/s has specific requirements (depending upon your dynamic) re: behavior, appearance, comportment, etc. You know if you’re doing it right, because it’s outlined for you. You know if you’re managing your tasks right because – again – they are outlined for you. It’s all pretty specific and up front. I remember, when I was in a more heavily task-oriented dynamic, that when I went off the rails for whatever reason, I was often given a task or list of tasks to perform, and the act of completing them, of doing them right, would bounce me back into a better mindset. Kind of like how, when I am anxious or upset, I will organize a closet or the pantry, or work in the yard on some task that gives me immediate feedback on how I’m doing. I quite literally “set my world right” and it sets my head right.
Okay, enough words. I recognize that I am not doing January Jumpstart “right” by posting every day (haha that’s me kidding.) But seriously. Time to just let this one out into the wild.