It’s early morning here, an hour before I have to be “at” work (at my desk, just behind me.) I’ve been up since 4:30, been to the gym, had a shower, thought about having a wank. Didn’t: 1. I didn’t have permission, and 2. not sure I have the erotic energy for it. (Although if I’m honest, just the act of texting him about it, sort-of asking permission, did give me a bit of a Pavlovian charge.) I’m supposed to have three a week, but it’s been a challenge. K’s away dealing with difficult family stuff and Ad doesn’t move me that way, so it’s hard to get into the mindset. I’m going to make the effort though, a bit later. Maybe read some sexy blogs, or some erotica. I dunno.
I’m missing K. He hasn’t been gone that long, and I’ll (probably?) see him this weekend, but there’s a gulf between us that has nothing to do with distance. Not one that he or I have created, but circumstances. He is stoic in the face of tragedy, I am all live-wire emotions, and I keep having to temper myself: not everyone feels the way I do, not everyone expresses how they feel the way I do. It’s not bad or wrong – and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel; it’s just different.
Also, being me, I want to make everything better, which, obviously, I can’t. “Don’t try to fix this, Jade,” is his common refrain. Just let him be. Though in this instance I can’t gauge how he truly is (trust when he says he’s okay that he is?) and instead all my emotions – emotions that carry the weight of my own history – bleed out all over the situation. So the best thing I can do is to rein it all in.
Reining in how I feel is not a normal thing for me. But also: I do not want to make this about me. About how I feel, or the things it brings up for me. So I tamp that down, shove it back, suppress it.
It comes out in my dreams though. At least I think that’s what a recurrent dream I am having is about (I need to look up some of the symbolism.) Else why would it be the same (fictional) place (a place that I’ve dreamed out before) though with new elements, that have now shown up twice? My subconscious is trying to tell me something, obviously.
Anyway. That’s where I am right now, what’s going on. Maybe I’ll have something sexy or fun to write about again soon.