Falling down rabbit holes – especially these days – usually consists of discovering and or exploring something new, something wicked and fun, or maybe something – what were the words I used this morning? Oh yeah: craven and lascivious. The one I fell down just now wasn’t either of those things, though. Even if I was perusing Fetlife.
I haven’t spent a lot of time on Fet since W died, because it was just too hard to see our images, to see that beloved face. These days – almost 10 years on – I can look at most of the images I have there, images that span the entirety of my relationship with W, without pain. I don’t feel the hitch in my heart; I just feel…grateful that in my deepest grief I didn’t delete them all.
It was a close thing.
Lately when I do get on Fet I am on to check out the Events section, to see what’s happening where. I was on today because I wanted to doublecheck the date for a play party. Instead what I stumbled on, what sent me down a rabbit hole of reading, pondering, spiraling a little and reading some more, was someone’s post on Fet. Someone I didn’t know writing about the death last year of someone I did know, if only peripherally. It was anguished and heartbreaking, the death an accident cutting off a life in its prime. We expect death in the elderly. Even I accepted that W would die long before I did. But that doesn’t make it easier. I felt every word she had written as if they were my own. The sorrow, the denial, the anger. The bite of it has gone, and yes, I can look at pictures again, I can even read some of my writings again, but those other feelings are a part of who I am now.
And yet…where I landed, after all that, was in acceptance. Sad, yes, but that’s okay. I can be sad sometimes and then not-sad.