I feel good, and excited about the future – romance, sex, kink, friends, family and travel. I feel like things are rounding a corner, and round that corner it’s easy to peek into a future that looks brighter, less-traumatizing, healthier, happier.
Maybe having (hot) sex on the regular helps with my outlook, lol.
But it’s so much more than that. Ever since getting back from Utah I have felt my inner and outer world shifting, coming back into alignment. And a lot of it is due to a releasing of expectations, a sense of letting go and letting be.
Not to say that I am not very actively pursuing my needs, wants and desires. Or that I am letting life “happen” to me: as always I am the architect of my life. But I am also not trying to force life to be what I want and I am allowing myself to flow along with it, which has garnered some surprisingly pleasing – and pleasingly surprising – results. (See: hot sex.)
But also so much more than that.
I feel good in my head and in my heart and in my body. I feel ready and excited about what comes next – without placing any expectations on it. I like who I have become, who I am becoming.
There was a pool party this past weekend. It was at the house of a lover/play partner/FWB of K’s, someone he started seeing right about the time we started going out. Since then he and I have developed a D/s dynamic and have established much more than just a “play partner” relationship, but still…I had some insecurities about going.
I sat with that feeling for awhile. Acknowledged it; let myself feel and accept it. I told him how I was feeling, but in a measured, non-confrontational way, and also in a way that did not expect him to “fix” it for me: this is on me. This is work I need to do for myself. I gave myself the grace to not be up to the work though; allowed myself the out of not being comfortable with it enough to engage: I don’t have to conquer all the anxieties and insecurities today. And he was perfect and lovely: “I’d like you to go,” he said. But he didn’t insist, he didn’t push.
I am infuriatingly indecisive though. “Should I stay or should I go?” Staying I would despise myself for not facing my fears; I would imagine so much more than would probably ever happen; I would resent the situation. Going…well, going I could be found unlovely, unwanted. Ignored or treated with disdain or disinterest. Perhaps he would compare us, side by side, and realize…what. I don’t know. All the demons in my head brought to life: you are unworthy, uninteresting, unsexy, unloveable.
But: “I want you to go,” he said. And I don’t know if he realizes how much power, how much influence, that has on me, on my submissive heart. We’re new to this D/s together, he new to being with someone like me. So maybe he didn’t know what a profound effect those words would have on me. But they did, and I realized that, regardless of my own anxieties, if I am to be his – his submissive – then I must do as he desires. His desire becomes mine.
And so it did.
And I went. And it was a lot of fun. None of the scary things I had imagined came to be. A lot of really nice unexpected things did. I was so glad that I went. Somehow, submitting to the power that his will has over me, allowed me to…find my own power in the situation. Created a safe space for me to go, regardless of all the things in my head. Because I wasn’t there for anyone else, or even myself – I was there because he wanted me to be.
Here’s a little additonal aside though, and one of the achingly beautiful things I love about poly (or at least good poly): I told Ad how I was feeling. Didn’t expect him to be onboard with going because of his work schedule, but he didn’t hesitate: “Of course I’ll go!” So I got to be there with both my guys. And (huh) with lovely marks from an asked-for caning. And I flirted and laughed and got to snuggle with a warm, soft girl and hung out with our hostess and didn’t feel any of the weirdness I had expected. An afternoon of win.