I like to pimp other people’s blogs when I run across something I just have to share.  I don’t know if it’s “blog etiquette” or not to do so, or if you’re supposed to follow some clandestine rules you’d only know about if you are “in” in the blogosphere, but I like to do it.  When somebody else’s writing or thoughts have inspired me to think or write or question (or masturbate, for that matter), I want to point them out here, give a little heads-up to someone who may not have stumbled across them before.  Today’s post, “Im Flying”, in Kami Robertson’s blog, “On the Way of Exploration” is one such post.
In this case, it’s not so much the content, although her thoughts are wonderful, her writing eloquent, on the subject at hand, but a particular photo, the last one in the series, that touched me and got me thinking.  When I think about what it is I seek in what it is we do, that photograph encompasses it.  That acquiescence, that exhaustion, that surcease of self that exists only when my mind has been completely cleared in an intense scene, that is what I seek.  That moment when I am free of “me”, or even of him, free of the world around me.  Floating in a no-space, a space of ultimate surrender, free of desire and need, of thought and of the fears that hobble me, of the questions and the petty vanities, of every thing that binds me to the earth.
On the heels of these thoughts are those I’ve been thinking about since a conversation with a friend.
I was talking with this friend the other day about her approach to BDSM play.  She is fairly new to BDSM, so likes a high degree of control in what potentially happens to her.  Every scene, every action that the Top can or may take, is tightly and specifically negotiated.  I understand what this is about for her: self-preservation.  It is she that controls where & how far she goes, and, for her, it makes perfect sense.  She needs that reassurance–it is an essential element for her to be able to allow herself to go as far as she does within the context of that particular scene.  It is, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, the only way that she is able to relinquish the control she does during a scene.  Later she may want to go farther, may decide she is ready/willing to stretch a boundary, but the when and how of that is something over which she has very specific, and ultimate, control.
On the other hand, if I were to have that kind of control, I couldn’t find that space I talk about.  I need that lack of control, that lack of self-determination, in order to go there.  It is in the very act of giving up that control that I truly fly free. Of course it is a mix of endorphins and adrenaline, a swirl of chemicals in the bloodstream that induce it, but to really truly find “subspace”, to truly fly in my head as well as in my body, my mind has to be free, and it is in the psychological edge of not having that control that my mind is finally allowed that freedom.
I don’t negotiate scenes with the Mean Guy, in fact I don’t even know what he’s planning till he gets there.  He actually says what he is “planning” isn’t always planned till we are together anyway, in the heat of things;  it’s a moving target based on any number of factors–any of which can change at any time.  I do admit to getting a delicious shiver when he mentions that he is planning something, or when he says, later, “I’d been thinking about doing this to you/planning to do that to you for days.”  That he spends part of his day thinking about ways to display/hurt/humiliate/maybe even (gasp) pleasure me just makes me about swoon.  Seriously.  If I knew going in, every time, what was potentially going to happen, if it was my decision/choice about what he could or couldn’t do to me…I don’t think it would work so well.  What I like is knowing that is isn’t my choice–what I need is to submit to what he wants, whether I want it or not…to surrender to him without a safety net.  To give up control.  Only then am I truly free.
Flying, indeed.

7 thoughts on “Flight

  1. A very interesting post! I certainly understand where you are coming from, also being in a long-time, trust-filled relationship. I love that power he has to take charge and decide what does or doesn’t happen, when and how. That’s what turns me n the most, is that control he has, and the lack of control that I have at that point… my total surrender.
    But I also see the other side, for newer folks to this scene, or those who don’t already securely have that safety net… and that is where problems arise. It’s a wobbly tightrope that we all walk, chasing the freedom of surrender, the total transparency of control!

    1. Hey Tiggs…I totally get what you are saying re: newer people. That’s why when I talk to my friend about how *I* do it, it’s with a healthy dose of, “but don’t try this at home!” lol But seriously, it can be a confusing mishmash of desires and trying to be smart, to be cautious, when a lot of times, especially when we are newly discovering all this, being cautious is the LAST thing we want to be. I hope that she will find that line that works for her, between total control and allowing herself to experience another’s control. For now, slow and steady, cautiously, is definitely the way to go.

  2. Very good, thought provoking post! I can imagine that not being in a long term trusting relationship, I would be much like that. For me, it’s the level of trust that I have with my partner that allows me to let myself go. I’m not sure I would really have that in a more casual relationship.

    1. I agree, Heather. And even in a longer term relationship, I don’t always relinquish that much control (my fledgling BDSM relationship with my SO is one such.)

  3. Thank you for linking to my posts! And thank you for you fascinating thoughts! 🙂
    I remember when I was asked a while ago how it would feel if the only limits in the scene where things HE thinks are limits. It does all involve a lot of trust. And a lot of knowing each other as well.
    I can fualy understand your friend as well. I think, in a way everyone starts with being ‘entirely’ in cotrol. Times brings more. But even with years of experience, if two new people meets there is always a bit of ‘we are starting from the beginning’. I can never trust a person during ‘first few times’ enough to relish that control THAT much.
    Btw – happy girl feels like boast a little. I have been flying myself today a bit 🙂 I’m still happily dizzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 🙂

    1. Yay for happy flying dizzy-ness! 🙂 And I agree with you on the trust part, that being able to let go of that control is intimately tied in to the level of trust. The first time I played with W was…an experiment on my part. No safeword, no control, except that if things went awry, I wouldn’t go back! lol I am sure in a way it was as scary for him as for me… But usually I play with safewords in place, with a lot of control of the situation. I don’t know what makes it so different with him.

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