Bits and Pieces

Thought maybe I’d share some “real world” stuff, cuz you know, I’m not all sex and kink.  Like, I have a dog.  No, really.  And no, I don’t have sex with him.  Though I do have a saved post on Taboo Fantasies, none of them involve THIS particular dog.  (~ppfftt)

This is my pup ( I know–awww.)

Anyhow, my dog has social anxiety.  I have tried everything, but he likes nothing that normal dogs do.  Like, he doesn’t like to go to the park, doesn’t like to go beyond our backyard, acts like he wants to go for walks and then tries to crawl between my legs while walking. Today I tried to take him running.  I’ve been running on the treadmill lately, and have enjoyed it immensely, but want to start running in the real, outside world.  I watched the Dog Whisperer (or whatever his name is) once where he advised a dog owner that had similar issues with his dog to run him, and it worked.  Happy dog!

My dog about killed me. He crisscrossed back and forth, he tried to run between my legs, in general he was a menace.  Made me very sad.  I really really want a dog that I can take places, take hiking and to the park and that will run with me, you know, act like a real dog.  Guess it’s too late to trade my pup in on a new model though.  Besides, I kinda love him, even if he IS flawed.  Thank goodness my guys don’t want to trade me in, huh?

I am seriously behind on reading blogs.  I have found a few interesting tidbits in my initial morning perusal of my RSS feeds though.  Carrie Ann talks about pre-party anxiety here:  A View from the Floor. I sooo know what she is talking about.  In my case, that also extends to dates with new people, play dates, and meeting new potential play partners. Even when we go to our local monthly play party, a place that I am quite comfortable in, I have all kinds of anxiety all day thinking about it. A large part of it is, as she notes, not knowing what’s going to happen.  Will there be play?  Will it be humiliating, will it be painful?  And my guys don’t plan out elaborate scenes either, preferring to go with the flow of things in general, or if they do have something in mind, they don’t often share it with me.  I prefer it that way, and yes, I guess the corollary is that I enjoy the fissure of anxiety. I enjoy that feeling, the anxious breath, the worried thoughts, the dread and anticipation.
On the other hand, the anxiety when I am going on a date, or to meet someone for a play date, often translates into me going back and forth about whether or not I will actually do it at all.  A dozen times I will vacillate between “I’m going, and I’m excited” and “I can’t do this, why did I say I want to do this?” It happens when I am going with the guys to events as well, and even when I am heading over to W’s if I know we will play, but usually I don’t actually have the option then of bailing.  The new-date thing means I have to really choose to go through with it…and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I disgust myself and bail.
I didn’t last night though – and I am very glad.  I had a first play date with someone that (I hope) will become an occasional, but regular, play partner. He is heavily into spanking, something that I have long enjoyed, and I definitely enjoyed it last night.  😉  But yeah, I had that back-and-forth thing prior to the date, but finally overcame it and showed up. I guess a little anxiety works well there too, cuz I thoroughly enjoyed the date, from a yummy dinner with enjoyable, interesting conversation, to the anticipation he engendered by setting up a “game” before we left for dinner and letting me have a glimpse of it before we left to give me “something to think about” while we ate.  I don’t know if he knows how often my thoughts strayed to that array of implements I glimpsed on his bed and on the floor while we talked about other things.  (grin) Heh…I guess anxious anticipation works in all kinds of ways.

I also ran across this post in Alison Tyler’s (really great) blog.  There were two things I liked about it.  First the idea of telling people the things you find wonderful about them.  Yes.  Definitely. I think sometimes we hesitate to do so because we have been acculturated to feel uncomfortable about accepting compliments in general, and so the flip of that is that sometimes we don’t compliment people, afraid of seeming insincere or trying to curry favor.  Don’t hesitate.  Do it.  Seriously.
The second part I liked is the clip of Ray Charles. I was surprised this past weekend to find that a friend of mine that I was visiting loves Stevie Wonder and abhors Ray Charles. I don’t know why I was so surprised, except that I am just the opposite.  Ray Charles has always seemed to me to be so much more…real, with more depth, than SW, who seems to me to be the homogenized version. I could be totally wrong about that, of course, not being that well-versed in music.  Anyway, her blog has an awesome clip of Ray doing “Georgia on My Mind.” Go watch it.
This brings to mind the past weekend I spent with my friend though, and why I hadn’t written anything here for a bit.  First, I was sick for the whole week before with strep throat.  Then, I went to FL to visit my sometime lover of this post. And…it was not a great weekend for me on a number of levels. It was difficult and in some ways heartbreaking, as I realized things about my relationship with him, hard things, things that changed the way I felt about being with him again in the future. It was also a growth experience for me (at least after I got back), as I realized that it is okay to require something in return for the love I give; and as I realized further that to give and give without the benefit of being “refilled” in the interaction is selfish and unfair to my other loves, the ones that do give back, fill me up, as much as I give to them.  Because if I drain myself dry in my interactions with someone that does nothing to replenish me, then I have nothing to give to those who do love me upon my return.
But all this happened in retrospective and introspective musings in the days after, and in discussions with W, A and my GF (I almost typed the New Girl, but she’s not really the New Girl anymore, she’s become part of my daily life even from afar, far more than the moniker that “The New Girl” implies.  Anyway, I digress.)  In those discussions and musings I realized–and truly appreciated–how reciprocal each of my core relationships is, how we each give and receive the things that fulfill and nurture us.  After I leave W, I am full to the brim, and bring that home to A. When we are with J (my (our?) GF) the energy flows between us all and feeds and sustains us all.  That is how it is with healthy multiple relationships–they fill you, not drain you. And after my weekend in FL, I was drained.  Depleted, with nothing to give A or anyone else, including myself.  Not good.
Plus, the only sex we had was vanilla sex, and, well, frankly, uninspired vanilla sex at that, perhaps due to my own ambivalence towards him by that time, I don’t know.  So where is the fun in writing about that??
In any case, I am still working through the ramifications of my visit and all that happened. I still care for St., but we may need to remain writing friends (as that is still a strong, positive things between us) as opposed to physical lovers.  And…I think that is okay too.  Relationships grow and change (or diminish and change, or simply change.) It’s part of the human experience. I will not mourn for what might have been, but accept what is.  What else can I do?

Today is a lazy day with A. Out of bed late, bookstore, breakfast out, napping.  Later maybe some hot sex, or at least writing about hot sex…no wait, I think there will be some too.  If I have my way.  And I usually do. 😉